Purpose

“In the Eye of the Storm, You remain in control”

Song by Ryan Stevenson – Eye of the Storm

As the New Year was approaching, I felt myself up a lot at night, restless, unable to move, just laying in silence. Sometimes in these moments my mind begins to wander and drift to a hectic ball of chaos. It’s easy to lose myself in these moments and hard pull myself back. I suppose its crazy to think that this is even possible in a quiet, still, dark night. No kids were bonking on top of me, no teenagers fighting or asking me to be a cab driver for their eventful lives. It was just me, while my husband laid peacefully asleep next to me. After a week straight of hanging out with me, myself, and I during these sleepless nights, I told myself to use the time to gather my thoughts and contemplated what that looked like. Typically, when I search for organization in my life, and desires, I go back to my “priority pyramid”. God, My Husband, Our Children, Our Family, and Our livelihood, it always sounds like this but often doesn’t look like this. What was missing? What was I searching for? I found myself feeling guilty, empty, and unappreciative of what I had been blessed with, while others were lacking during the difficult year we had just passed through in 2020. At this point, I would just begin by sitting in prayer and thanking God for all of His blessings in my life and ask for forgiveness for feeling this way. Nevertheless, my enduring discomfort and longing for answers to my feelings continued. I was longing to hear God speak to me, as I often do, not audibly, but that undeniable voice from within your spirit, that comes to you in the most awkward of times, that you just know it is from God.

Time passed, and I felt as though I was living in a haze, just watching time slip through my fingers. It was the middle of January and I had “one of those days”, you know the ones, where nothing goes right. I won’t bore you with the exasperation of details, but it was rough. I am not sure if wine in the shower is a real thing for a lot of women, but for me it is a very real thing. So, there I was, in the shower, sitting on the floor in a corner while the hot water hit my legs and steam filled my face, sipping my troubles away with a half glass full of dark red wine. Don’t ask me what kind, but it was amazing. Ladies if you have not tried this, I highly recommend it! In that moment I was thinking of nothing, which is rare for me, and then it came. I suddenly heard the word “Purpose” spoken to me like it had been branded on my forehead in bright red ink. Purpose was what I was seeking. I didn’t know what I was looking for, but God did, and as always, he met me in the most unexpected moment.

You thought it was over, didn’t you? Nope! After this eye opening, megaphone screeching word pulled the switch to my lightbulb back on, I sat on it. Let me guess, you thought “She heard him speak to her. Everyone pack up. The problem is solved and it’s time to go home!”? Absolutely not. Nothing is ever that easy for me or anyone else I would imagine. When I say I sat on it… I really sat on it. I knew what “Purpose” meant, but what did it look like? How do I start this purpose driven life, if I didn’t know what MY purpose was? Again, I found myself going back to my “priority pyramid”. First up was God. I decided that starting here was enough, and would inevitably lead me to my next wine in the shower, lightbulb, megaphone screeching moment.

Reflection

Prioritizing God provides us with a deeper understanding of His love for us. Ultimately, it intensifies our desire for a stronger discernment of our surroundings. In these moments, we can differentiate His words spoken to us from the words created by the chaos in our own minds. This is what I was seeking to “get back to” before I would clearly know what His purpose is for my life. Aside from what my ideas of what that looked like. So here my journey begins! I am inviting you to join me is this process of rebuilding my closeness with God to discover His plan and purpose.